It turns out that worship team rehearsals are often scheduled for a Wednesday. It's the same night as my small group. I am rather torn about what to do. Should I find another small group on a different night or simply miss the nights when there is a rehearsal? There's three Wednesdays in a row this month which is a lot of Bible studies to miss.
I am not even sure if I want to continue with the worship team but that might be jumping the gun a bit. I've only attended two practices. Why not continue? Part of it is having to learn so much new music. It's rather overwhelming.
The team leader posts the recordings of the chosen music each week. I am going to take my laptop into the centre where we now have WiFi to download all the songs to my iPod. My phone connected internet is too slow. That's been part of my frustration. I can't listen to them and without sheet music in many cases, it leaves me floundering.
I only want to do my best.
A-hah...this is a pride thing. Forgive me, Lord, for being unwilling to make mistakes during worship.
I remember my first band competition at around age twelve. Unable to play a note, all I could do was lift my flute and pretend every time the flute section played. My eyes blurred as tears threatened. I couldn't breathe. Performance anxiety at its best. One of the brass players came up to me afterword and offered a word of comfort and shared they had felt so bad for me. It didn't do much to ease my shame and embarrassment, and a deep rooted sense of failure.
This is bigger than just the worship team. Performance anxiety touches every aspect of my life from work to sharing my art to meeting new people to reading what I wrote at writer's group. It's even part of choosing my own groceries.
The fear of making mistakes...of not measuring up. Although whose scale is being used? It definitely doesn't come from God.
Thank You Lord for bringing this understanding into the light. It's time to let the "what ifs" go. Lord, I'll need Your help. This is a core belief that has been reinforced time after time. Help me forgive those who felt it was their purpose to "correct" me at every opportunity especially my ex who was driven by the need to control and dominate. May he find the Lord.
Forgive me for believing the lie that what I do and who I am is never good enough.
"Say to those who are fearful-hearted, "Be strong, do not fear! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God; He will come and save you." Is 35:4
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The Robes
"Coming up behind Jesus, she (the woman who had bled for 12 years) touched the fringe of His robe." Luke 9:44 And she was heal...
Another lie is that who we are is based on what we do. This is so deeply ingrained by our culture as well as inter-personal reactions that it's almost hard to conceive of our identity separate from our activities, talents, performance, etc. No wonder we have so much stress!
ReplyDeleteSo, the goal is to understand "who am I?" if you can imagine being completely unable to do a thing, so your image is not performance-based. I think that is closer to the way God sees us. And it's closer to the truth, because we are all helpless without Him. Once that is more fully integrated into our soul, pride has no place, and anxiety drops away. But it's a learning curve, and part of our spiritual formation.
Hmmm...I can understand your confusion. I guess I would chose to complete the study I started. No doubt that it will be ending soon. Then transfer over to the worship team. By fall, you will know what brings the most glory to God and joy to you. God's Word is our foundation. Praise is an outfall of understanding Who God is and who we are in Him. What a wonderful conundrum to have!! God gives wisdom to those that ask. How you have already shown that!!! Blessings.
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