Okay. Enough of the victim behaviour. That's not healthy because I am not a victim, I am a woman who has had these things happen to her. Yes, it has left me damaged. Yes, I still bear emotional scars from those experiences but I am no longer that person who was powerless, helpless, and invisible. I am no longer the mouse who was afraid to make a noise in her own home in case the cat might pounce. That was then, this is now.
Gee, that feels like a locker room pep talk.
I forwarded the last two posts to Dr. K, my psychiatrist. He responded warmly. He asked that rather than use the word "push", he'd like me to think about it as him encouraging me to address important issues.
Okay, so who decides if something actually is an issue? My good doctor or me? I'll ask him that the next time we meet.
I am fine being single but I am also open to possibilities, trusting in my Lord to guide me according to His plan for my life. That should be sufficient, more than sufficient. I think too that this openness speaks volumes about the healing that has taken place.
As for making a list of the attributes I would need in a man (something else Dr. K asked me to do) before I would consider a relationship; that is dangerous ground as well because no one human being could ever live up to that list.
I like to live with expectancy as opposed to having expectations.
Mind you, it would make it easy to find reasons not to get involved with someone. "Nope, failed on item 322: hair in the sink. Outcha go!"
I have my quirks. What can I say?
It feels good to laugh.
I do have one thing, a prayer actually, is that whoever or whenever or if ever there is a relationship possibility is that he will do right by me. I don't think that is too much to ask.
"Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." Jn 16:24
Hurting people hurt people. You want to be the best you can be in God before even entertaining entering a covenant with a husband. You have the issues, the doc just shines a light on them, but at times we can be oblivious to them. We live in them so long that they no longer jump out. Good questions can make us think about why we feel the way we do. We usually don't want to face things, so much fear, so much pain, but if we can listen to our answers and reflect on them, just like you are doing, then it is a victory! Sometimes we have convinced our self that something is true because we want it to be, or we don't want to face the alternative. It's like that old saying, "The faults we are most oblivious to are our own." Perhaps it is not the looking for a man, or even why you don't want one at the moment, but maybe it is the looking at yourself, your view of your self-worth that the doctor is mining for. You certainly can't go wrong with prayer!!!
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