Thursday, 6 November 2014

Travels by Susan L.

 Tomorrow morning I am heading down to Sarnia to visit my son, his wife and my grandchildren for four days. I hadn't made it down for my grandson's fifth birthday so part of the plan is to take him shopping to celebrate the big day. That's what we did last year and it was a lot of fun.
  He's an amazing little guy. He wanted to open an art gallery. In early October my son and his wife took all the furniture out of the living room and put up all the pictures for him. (They are amazing big people!) I believe some of the original paintings and drawings were from my grandson's friends as well. They sent out invitations to family, friends, neighbours and classmates to attend the gala and to give them the opportunity to purchase some great works of art. I was given the honor of getting two of them at Thanksgiving created by each of my grandchildren.
  What a gift to give a child.
  It's the stuff of dreams and aspirations. Who knows what seeds this event planted.
  My children constantly amaze me. Their home life wasn't so great as they were growing up... an understatement if there ever was one. Yet they have all managed to rise above circumstances that could have easily caused them to become one of the lost. I'm blessed to have them in my life.
  Sometimes it feels like a dream, having been a mom when the kids were little. In a way it was. I know now that the last ten years of my marriage during their teen years, was spent living under a blanket of major clinical depression. I didn't know it at the time even though the signs were there: disassociation, numbing, hopelessness, and isolation. Thoughts of suicide would crop up on a regular basis. Those terrifying ideas got shoved down deep as quickly as they arose. I remember wanting to simply curl up in a corner and shut myself off from the world, to disappear. I never told a soul about any of this. I was a master at hiding/denying the truth.
  Responsibility ruled my life.
  As much as the farm was a burden and such hard work, the truth is: it is the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning. Ahh, there's a shadow of regret in that statement. As a mom, I wish I could have done more. But then, I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. Most of those were pretty broken to begin with.
  The Lord has blessed me by leading me into wellness during the dark days and years that followed the sudden end to my marriage. I let go of the pride and distrust that kept me from first admitting there was something wrong and the pride and wariness that kept me from getting help. Or maybe I should say it was the utter lack of self esteem that held me back from believing I was worth helping. It was probably a lot of both.
  Don't mind me. It's nearing the wonderful/horrible anniversary of the start of this journey with the Lord. It's hard not to feel sad/glad, angry/peace and a whole slew of other emotions. Grief is a huge part of it as well.
  Thank You, Lord for the opportunity to create new memories, good memories.
  Thank You Lord that You believed in me, that I was worth saving. Thank You Lord for freedom, redemption and for Your most amazing grace that has healed so many wounds. Thank You for the gift of grandchildren and family. Bless them as You have blessed me.
  "But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ." Eph 2:4-5

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