Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Self Pity? by Susan L.

  On Sunday I approached my pastor for prayer following the service. It was a struggle to get to church because of how I've been feeling lately: depressed and overwhelmed. After I shared briefly with him what was going on, his prayer included the request that I not allow self pity to continue. His words, not mine. It's got me thinking. Thinking hard. Is he right?
  There's more grief to this than self pity but he doesn't know me that well. There's a good chunk of fear nibbling away at me too. I guess I am still coming to terms with an illness that can rear its ugly head out of nowhere. Having the panic attack at my Bible Study potluck dinner before Christmas has left me shaken and uneasy. Will I ever find peace? Will the fear of being triggered, of having nightmare memories erupt out of nowhere ever be a thing of the past? Lord, will it end?
  I've worked hard to get as far as I have come. The Lord gave me the strength and guidance. Self pity has been set aside time after time. It had to be because forgiveness towards others and myself is crucial to recovery and to my walk as a Christian. Self pity or a permanent victim mentality stifles that ability. Laying blame and pointing fingers do not encourage healing or letting go.
  The gift the Lord gave me, that "git r done" mindset, has allowed me to vanquish many of my demons. Although, part of my recovery happened when I finally realized I was a victim. This was the moment when I fully understood that the abuse wasn't my fault. It was incredibly healing.
  Once in a while, I'll indulge myself. The "woe is me" comes out as I've blogged on more than one occasion. Right now I am angry at my pastor, at my mood, at feeling powerless before these sneaky foes of depression and PTSD. Maybe that's what this is about more than anything.
  Here's the nugget: I am angry at myself because I can't fix this! No matter how very hard I try, how much I write about recovery or use my wellness tools, my mental health issues are always hovering in the background just waiting to bite.
   I am trying to do the best that this little human can.
  That, my friends, is self pity in all its finery and in its company are hopelessness, despondency, worry, pain and fear.
   I guess the pastor was right. Lord, forgive me. I am so very tired.
   "The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in drought, and strengthen your bones; You shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail." Is 58:11

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