Thursday, 12 December 2013

It Might Take a While by Susan L.

  I did it again. Lack of self-care. Anxiety and its twin, fatigue, caused by being far too busy has left me feeling like broken glass this morning. Getting everything ready for this weekend's family Christmas, going to a work-related dinner party Tuesday night, back down to the city to see my psychiatrist in the morning, and not enough sleep or quiet time all came to a head last night.
  I ended up having a significant panic attack at my Bible study group's Christmas dinner. The noise, the topics of conversation bringing to mind the foul spectres of Christmas past, music in the background that was just a tad too loud...I should have stayed home. Being severely triggered on many fronts has left me a bit raw this morning and still somewhat teary. The "big sad", to quote a friend, is nibbling at me.
  There's a level of embarrassment too. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
  There is also the realization this morning that I could have left sooner. Hindsight is a cruel master. So is the thought, "What will they think of me?" had I fled.
  How proud I am, sticking it out, not "creating a scene" by speaking up to question the conversations and their impropriety when the elders didn't. Sadly, the topics were questionable for those of us who follow Christ. It ended up with me "creating a scene" anyways and fleeing like a whipped dog.
  I don't know what to do.
  It grieves me that the triggers were in areas I know the Lord has done some amazing, divine healing. Obviously the hurts are still there; enough to ignite the over-riding fight/flight protective response of a panic attack. I don't know what to do about that either.
  Yah, I said it a couple of days ago, the rug is inside me.
  Forgive me Father, for that belief.
  "I, therefore, a prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called." Eph 4:1

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