Sunday, 8 December 2013

At the Core by Susan L.

  It was a day of revelation for me. Some truths about who I am got revealed. Core stuff. Stuff I didn't know existed.
  A good chunk of the last several months has been ostrich living: do what I need to do but keep my head down. Obsessive knitting, gaming, or TV has filled the time when I wasn't at work or church or writer's group or Bible study. Unless I was blogging, I turned my brain off. It's a coping skill called numbing and has a long history in my life. It is a survival mechanism. I knew it wasn't healthy but was helpless to stop it. Now I know why I was doing these things.
  Being well is scary. The fear it will collapse simmers at the back of my mind every single day. Every day I wait for the depression and PTSD to rear their ugly heads.  I have been waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me as it has so often in the past. That's why I turned off my brain. The rug is inside of me.
  The walls came tumbling down when I realized I was guarding my wellness with the ferocity of a cornered animal. It isn't pretty. I have been protecting my growing confidence, too, unwilling to let anyone or anything take that from me. That isn't pretty either. I'm sure there is an oath in there "No-one will ever hurt me again!" Maybe I didn't say it out loud, but it is there. Those words became the solid, dark, massive stone that is the foundation of my own rapidly growing walls. They were plastered with invisible notice boards, "Keep Out!"
  Thankfully the Lord has placed good friends in my life. Thanks for having the courage to speak up and for helping to destroy them before they got too big.
  Forgive me Father for my fears and help me live in vulnerability and openness trusting in Your plans for my life.
  "Pilate said to them, "You have a guard; go your way, make it as secure as you know how. So they went and made the tomb secure, sealing the stone and setting the guard." Mat 27:65-66

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