Tangibles by Susan L.

At church yesterday we watched a video sermon about how our suffering glorifies God. This happens when we testify about all He did or does for us during our troubled times. My journey as a Christian began in the book of Ephesians: the armor of God (6:10). There was no room to get bogged down in the lovey-dovey-touchy-feely aspects of faith. I needed to know God could keep me safe. At that point I couldn't have handled love talk anyways. Love to me meant betrayal of the worst kind. Looking back at those first precious moments when I felt God's gift of His Spirit I was a wild animal. Emotionally beaten into submission, on the verge of suicide, and quick to fear a kind hand or word. Kindness meant betrayal. The big one, trust, also meant betrayal. God began to tame my broken spirit by leaving simple love tokens along my path: a deer grazing when I voiced the desire to see one, a unique feather, a shell. I have a little treasure box for these simple things which mean so much. My four leafed clovers are tucked in there too. A couple of years ago I added a small photo of myself. With God leading, it is a celebration of His healing from the wounds left by sexual abuse, emotional abuse, my mental illness and yes, the many betrayals which are part of those stories...the list goes on. In fact my very life itself is a gift. My knowledge of God's love has evolved and continues to grow. So has the ability to recieve good things without suspicion. I no longer snap at the Hand who feeds me. God is good. "When He ascended on high, He led captivity captive, and gave gifts to men." Eph 4:8

Infidelity by Susan L.

That was the last summer I did hay. In the fall my now ex husband confessed he had an affair while over seas. He'd spent the better part of the year over there because of his sick father. I was stunned and utterly at a loss. The ax had fallen cutting away my reason for being with one fell swoop. Suicidal, a friend led me to Jesus three days later. My lifeline. Today's media is rife with this scenario: spouses sleeping with anyone but their spouse. The odd time the betrayed goes ballistic, guns and such for an action packed hour.It is deemed as a socially acceptable story. It always glosses over the long term, gut wrenching pain of this devastating betrayal. Mostly it ignores how this act damages the very souls of all parties involved. But, then, God IS the great Restorer. While He may not have chosen to restore my own marriage, He blessed me with the grace not to hate my ex. I don't associate with him, but that is necessary to my own well being. I can also acknowledge that the affair was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I was set free from his control. "God sets the solitary in families. He brings out those who are bound into prosperity." Ps 68:6

Not Knowing by Susan L.

It was hay season. My husband was overseas. I faced the hay field on my own with ancient equipment. I didn't like driving the tractor on the hilly field after witnessing first hand what can happen when a tractor rolls over. Thankfully our neighbour survived. Farming is one of the most dangerous jobs. Equipment can turn on you in the blink of an eye. It was a beautiful sunny day. The weather promised to hold fair. Time was wasting but I hesitated struggling to overcome the fear coursing through my heart and mind. At this point in my life I didn't know the Lord like I would grow to know Him. As I sat on the rumbling tractor I bowed my head and quietly prayed that no one would get hurt. All went well so three days later I replaced the mower with the 3800 lb antique baler. To this day I can feel the sixty second ka-thunk, ka-thunk as it hammered wayward grasses into neat, tidy bales. For once the finicky knotters were working well. First pass. Up the long slope, a,cross the top, ka-thunk, ka-thunk. As I faced the steep side,my heart in my throat, there was a massive rattle and bang behind me. The metal guard that covered the power shaft had jammed and had ripped the whole thing free. It flailed around, crashing into the hitch several times before losing steam. Language not befitting a lady filled the air as I shut down the tractor and leaped down to investigate. More words. I wasn't able to free the metal guard by hand. It needed heat. As I fired up the propane torch it dawned on me...if it hadn't jammed as badly as it did, my head wouldn't be attached to my shoulders. I shuddered at the thought, my mouth suddenly dry. Maybe there was something to this prayer thing after all. "Who is His name, and His Son's name, if you know?" Prov 30:4

Paradox of the Clock by Susan L.

It has taken eight years for me to reach this milestone of recovery. Those eight years contained three moves, two trips to a mental health facility. There were ups and downs driven by medication changes. I had a chronic cough that debilitated me for nine months otherwise known as masked depression. I've worked, not worked, worked and not while I struggled to accept the truth of my illnesses. That took time. Many an hour was swallowed up by my pen as I reached into the secrets of my past: the sexual abuse, my failed marriage, bullies...there were alot of pages. I travelled into the future by reaching back. I struggled with Christian and medical condemnation about going through this discovery process. "Let go, Let God! It's in the past, forgive and forget! If you talk about it, you're not healed! Stop thinking about it, it doesn't matter!" I'm glad I ignored these well meaning people and remained faithful to God's desires for my life. He is the Beginning and the End, who was and is and is to come. Time is timeless when it comes to matters of the heart. "And the Spirit and the Bride say, 'Come!' And let him who hears say, 'Come!' And let him who thirsts, come. Whoever desires, let him take the water of life freely." Rev 22:17

It Is Finished by Susan L.

Those three little words I wrote yesterday contain so much. There is a Power behind them now because there is no question mark after them. I 'm not saying there won't be any hiccups down the road but that's okay. It means I am alive! I attempted editing the story of my journey: the book I submitted to the Word Alive competition, "God and the Black River". I am in such a different space than when the first draft exploded from my pen this past spring. It's missing a voice. I need to start again. That, too, is okay. Basically there's too much of too much. I need to have a quiet chat with the Lord about it because I am at a loss about where to start. Hmmmm..."It is finished...". That's a good beginning. "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight. O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer." Ps 19:14

Doors and Windows by Susan L.

It was a beautiful drive back home from seeing my therapist today. The sun shone brightly on winterbrown grasses dancing in light and shadow. I took the back roads home which meander through pockets of cedar and hardwood trees. Fingers of sunlight played hide 'n seek with the winding road. I smiled the whole way home. This period of my life is coming to a close. I've been seeing her for six and a half years. We've come a long way since our initial appointment when she asked me why I had waited so long to get help. I didn't have an answer. She has seen me go through two hospitalizations. She guided me through facing many of the traumatic events in my life. She has sat with me as I have grieved and wept and laughed my way to recovery. The two of us have been celebrating for the last six months or so as pieces of newfound identity have solidified, as joy and hope are becoming every day events. Like all endings it is full of mixed emotions but forefront in my heart and mind is the knowledge: IT IS FINISHED. Thank God. "(He) who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so your youth is renewed like eagles." Ps 103:4

Something From Nothing by Susan L.

I'm having a hard time coming up with somthing to write about. Maybe I'll copy the old popular TV show "Seinfeld" and write lots about nothing. The woman who hosts our monthly Writer's Nest put out a call for topics. She received enough ideas to schedule a different subject for the next two years! It is exciting to see the creative challenges which lay ahead. The topics are as diverse as we are. These little nudges always result in some amazing writing. Maybe that's what I need today. A nudge. Nudges are good. So is the occasional kick in the pants. A smack upside the head falls into that category, too. The Bible calls it conviction. Awareness without guilt or shame when we know we've done-said-thought the wrong thing. I am eternally grateful Grace is part of our relationship with God. I also needed this little poke in my ribs to remind me of God's awesome ability to grow something from nothing. "Yes, my innermost being will rejoice when your lips speak right things." Prov 23:16