Grounding

 "Each time he (the Lord) said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness."" 2 Corinthians 12:9

  While I can't go into details, a situation has arisen that challenges me to my very core. It stirred up the old lessons, the old thinking, that corrupted my sense of worth. Praise God, despite these events I haven't sunk as low as in the past when such things happened.
  The thoughts are like stale crackers, tasting of dust and the cupboard. I am able to recognize them for what they are: lies. They simply don't belong in my life any more.

  Hmmm...this is a new thing; to not get sucked into the past! Instead, there has been much prayer to know how to proceed.
  I know there is anger about what happened on so many different levels but I ask God to soften that anger or at least help me express it in a manner that is not hurtful. To be honest, there's a desire to strike back, to hurt the one who hurt me but that response is another stale cracker and not the way of Jesus.
  It's also why I needed to write this morning, to help me refocus on what is truly important: the love of Jesus. AMEN!
 
 
 

Catching Up

  “The blessing of the Lord makes a person rich, and he adds no sorrow to it.” Proverbs 11:22

 I’ve been busy with projects in the house trying to get it completely finished although finishing means starting, too! The living room is all in disarray as I tackle the ceiling before putting new paint on the walls. The ceiling is ugly stucco, sagging in places and worn out so I have decided to cover it with whitewashed, pine tongue and groove paneling.

  Originally, I was going to get my contractor back to put new drywall up but decided to go with the wood. There are a couple of reasons. One, I can DIY it. Two, it will create the cottage feel I am going for. It did mean investing in an air nailer and compressor because holding up the wood and hammering it into place at the same time requires three arms. I’ve only got two. (Smile.)

  The last couple of days have been spent installing the strapping required to nail the paneling to. It was a fussy job because the ceiling isn’t level. It undulates like a calm sea! I’ve done my best to make it even, using plenty of shims. It may need some tweaking but I’ll have a better idea where once the boards are being installed.

  The pine has been sitting in the hallway for a little more than a week, getting acclimatized to the space. It still has a few more days to go before it can be installed. I’ve left it longer than the package suggests so there will be no chance it will shrink once it’s up. That was the lesson of an experience of having to redo an entire job because the wood pulled apart as it dried.

  The plan is to paint it before installing it. That’s far easier on the neck.

  I feel blessed for past experiences which have given me the knowhow to do this.

  The other project that chewed up a whack of time was giving my linen cupboard and an inexpensive storage wardrobe a face lift. It was orange toned, faux wood that no longer goes with my décor. It’s also the first thing you see when you come in the side door.

   The inspiration came from an idea in a magazine to use trim, a variety of handles and different peel and stick wallpaper to create false drawers and doors. Our local ReStore was a great source for used door handles. I cut down trim that was torn out during the reno rather than buying new. It was a picky, finicky job, too but gave me a good chance to practice using my new air nailer.

  The end result was better than I imagined.

  Once the living room is finished, all that’s left is painting the stairs and addressing the entry into the basement. I might use pine paneling on the walls for some continuity. Right now it’s just covered with blue styrophome insulation.  The cement floor at the bottom of the stairs needs some love, too.  It’s like the ceiling….undulating. (Whoever built the house must not have owned a level!) There’s flooring left over I want to install down there to make it pretty. That’s why the cement needs to be as smooth as possible. 

  But that’s a job for another day. (Smile.) 

  It would seem I can set goals after all.

The Gift of Hope

  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

  “Heal the sick who are there and tell them, ‘The kingdom of God has come near to you.’” Luke 10:9

  I had an epiphany yesterday during the teaching section of yesterday’s church service.

  Being healed isn’t the same as having all the bad stuff go away. Being healed is being able to move forward through life in all its fullness despite our challenges. Life in its fullness contains memories, hopes and dreams, emotions, knowledge, community, relationships and experiences… (Smile.) There is more to life than this but I have limited time this morning to write a list that would take a lifetime to compile. (Chuckle. Sometimes I end up way over my head.)

  The other day, I had been speaking with a friend about the yin and yang symbol…the one that looks like two commas intertwined. One is white, the other black. It’s rather restrictive to categorize the different aspects of life into either good or bad, white or black. However, if you spin the symbol really fast, it blurs into gray. It is transformed into something far beyond the sum total of its parts.

  It helps me re frame the idea that difficulties are out and out bad. Sure they stink. And oh, yes, it can be extremely unpleasant to be in the midst of them!

  I ended up missing even more of the teaching because then I pondered on the idea that Jesus bore the scars of His crucifixion even though He was brought back to life through the resurrection. The scars on His hands and feet were necessary for Him to become something much more for us. The scars never stopped Him being the Son of God.

  Poor Thomas, I think he gets the short end of the stick for needing to place his hand in the wound on Jesus’ side before he would believe that Christ had returned. But the scar was there wasn’t it?

  I’ve heard the idea of living a “resurrection life” many times but didn’t understand what that meant until now.

  It means embracing the idea that I am far more than the sum total of my experiences. It means letting go of the idea that somehow I am less than because I am broken. God spins out of this brokenness not just gray, but silver! Through Christ, I am more, much more because I am His child. Nothing will ever change that.

 

  I say this often, how grateful I am for all the ugly experiences and hard times because God can use and has used every single one of them. The scars are there for others to poke and prod in order to find belonging and grace and acceptance. My role as a peer support worker wouldn’t exist without them. The ability to hear other people’s stories without judgment wouldn’t exist either…that’s a gift I am incredibly grateful for.

  So, maybe that’s how I am able to declare I am living a healed, resurrection life: through gratitude.

  It’s where joy, peace and hope are born.

  Ah, yes. Hope.

  I know that sometimes hope is as elusive as smoke. I also know, in being a follower of Jesus, it’s very easy to beat ourselves up when we have no hope; when our own Black Rivers are running deep and cold and fast. So here’s what I will do…I believe in the power of hope held in trust. I will guard your hope and keep it safe until you are ready to hold on to it for yourself. Be assured, that day will come.

  Thank You, Jesus.

 

Disassociation

  “For God in all His fullness was pleased to live in Christ, and through him, God reconciled everything to himself.” Colossians 1:19-20

  The last several mornings have been spent honing a speech for last night's event: the mental health focused Ears to Hear hosted by our church. It went very well. I was confident that God had provided exactly what was needed to be said. During the hours spent writing, and honestly, the first draft was full of anger, I was able to learn a little bit more about myself.

  I have recently become aware of something that happens regularly. I disassociate whenever I feel stressed or unsafe. My mind disconnects from the present.  To quote what was shared last night, it’s like living in a déjà vu moment that doesn’t end. There have been a few times when the disconnection was complete and I have no recollection of events. It’s not a pleasant feeling!

  The scary part is even though I have no memories of certain events; apparently I carried on conversations and appeared to be “normal.”

  It’s the brain’s way of protecting itself from extreme emotion. It is part of the fight/flight instinct, an automatic survival mechanism built into our physiology. Somewhere along the line, mine reached the point it had a hair trigger so whenever I feel even slightly nervous or unsafe, it kicks in.

  I’ve been praying lately for the Lord to help me remember the names of people I meet for the first time; something I struggle with doing. Initially, I thought this inability was due to a lack of caring or disinterest. And I felt bad about it!

  This new understanding has me realize whenever someone new comes along, my brain kicks into its survival mode because I don’t know if I can trust the person so therefore need to be ready to run. If I am not fully present, memory and cognitive functions are impaired because they aren’t necessary for survival in the moment. At least, this is what my body is telling me even if it isn’t true.

  This also explains why I wander around the grocery store talking to myself. It keeps me focused in the moment when crowds of people are around, there’s a lot of visual stimulation and my brain is on high alert. It’s difficult to shop when the shopping list has been relegated to being not needed in this moment of DANGER. (Smile.) It’s not a memory issue at all.

  That’s something else, too, God has revealed. For the most part, my brain is on high alert all the time. It’s one of the residual effects of having experienced repeated trauma. It’s a symptom of PTSD.

  But here’s the good part. I’ve shared many times that emotional trauma can cause a brain injury similar to that of a stroke. This disassociation thing is part of that. The primal fight/flight responses have been repeatedly called into action so my brain takes this shortcut automatically and far faster than my logic can compensate for.

  At least, this is how it has been.

  Feeling unsafe is at its core. I don’t feel very safe most of the time which is also a huge realization and totally unnecessary. There are no saber toothed tigers at Walmart. (Another smile.)

  Besides talking to myself, there are other tools I can utilize to help me remain present in the moment until my brain learns new, and far more pleasant pathways. Last night, a friend lent me an essential oil infused bracelet to rub against my wrist. I believe the oil was a huge help and pressing the beads against my wrist was absolutely effective in helping me stay present. It’s a little kinder than snapping a rubber band, a tool I’ve heard other people use.

  So another aspect of the Black River has been brought out of the depths. I am relieved and excited to begin learning a new way of living. Praise God!!