Getting Sorted by Susan L.

  I've been plagued by anxiety over the last couple of weeks. That knot in the stomach, shoulder hunching, jaw gripping emotion has taken over every waking moment. It's exhausting. Restless, nightmare filled nights sure haven't helped the situation. Last night I went to bed early and managed to sleep in despite Pumpkin's efforts to get me up early. It's not so bad this morning, thank the Lord. A good rest makes the day brighter.
  I need to ask myself, "What am I asking myself to do?" It helps assess what is going on behind the scenes. The question helps me sort out the necessary from the frivolous.
  You know what's missing? Someone to bounce life stuff around with. Does that make sense? Yes, I have the Lord, no question in my mind that He is in all of this, that He is with me. Sometimes I need someone to simply listen.
  I just received a spiritual smack upside the head. I am doing my friends a grave injustice by not reaching out, by isolating myself which, I confess, I have been doing. Not a healthy move. Simons are in our lives for a reason. Yet, part of the anxiety is caused by needing to reach out. Isn't that a kicker! There's still a lot of fear and, dare I say shame, around asking for help. Old habits and old responses die hard don't they?
  I am not looking to be fixed. I am not looking for answers or maybe I am. I am not looking for someone to tell me what to do or organise my life. That only makes things worse. It just encourages the perpetuation of the life long lie of a lesson that I am unable to make decisions or choices that are "right". Right for who?
  Thank You, Lord, for there lies the answer I wasn't looking for. Most of this anxiety episode is being driven by ancient history and situations that have stirred up the old junk. I am not the broken woman I once was although she will be a part of me forever. Mental illness doesn't mean mental deficiency. I don't need to justify my choices or feelings or even excuse them for existing. I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have to validate my every move. I have my reasons for doing what I do. Those reasons are deeply personal and aren't necessarily mean to be shared. They are between my God and me. That should be enough.
  "Now as they came out, they found a man of Cyrene, Simon by name. Him they compelled to bear His cross." Mat 27:32