Searching...Searching by Susan L.

  It's been a week since I started this mini journey. There was no art the last couple of nights because working had left me very tired. As much as I love my job, being "on" takes a tremendous toll especially when my own stuff leaves me feeling anxious and raw.
  So where am I? I found a picture of a movie sign, the one that is snapped with the act, scene, and take number on it just before the director says, "Action!" Of all the images I've cut out this one came with an especially loud voice. It's PTSD, the playing and replaying of scenarios. It represents my own acting, pretending, fooling myself and others for so many years that things were OK. I still do it to a certain degree although it fizzles pretty quickly because of the huge amount of energy it takes to sustain the illusion. The reserves are gone. That is a good thing.
  And I am realizing that this is part of being human anyways. All of us have different places in our lives where we behave accordingly, don't we? Our work persona is so different from how we are on a pajama Saturday morning. It's just that we sometimes get lost in the roles we play: spouse, parent, child, employee, boss.
   I don't want PTSD to handicap me or my actions or choices. The reality is that what I want and what is the truth of the matter are two different things. Help me see this as a gift that will teach me kindness, grace, prudence and patience.
  It's about battling fear. On the heels of that comes shame, regret, sorrow...grief...it is what it is, the truth of how I am feeling. I know logically there is nothing to be ashamed about. It's just, well, a whole lot of baggage whispering in my ear.
  My heart is heavy this morning, my Lord. Help me be like L. Col Chris Linford says, a "Warrior Rising".
  "Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my meditation. Give heed to the voice of my cry, my King and my God, for to You I pray." Ps 5:1-2