"May God be merciful and bless us. May his face smile with favor on us." Psalm 67:1
I am here, Lord, to hear what You have to say. I feel the unformed words pounding at my heart and mind, calling me, urging me to write. Lead me, show me, teach me as they unfold through my fingers. In Jesus' name, AMEN!
I've been away more this summer. Projects have kept my hands busy. The yard and garden are winding down, their fruits eaten or preserved for winter enjoyment. In a way, it leaves me sad because that means the short, dark days of winter are around the corner.
I've stayed the course as far as my diet is concerned except for choosing the odd indulgence here and there during special events. My weight continues to drop for a total of 33.5 pounds so far. My measurements continue to shrink. The Livy Method Fall program started last week so my friend and I are raring to go at it again.
Someone said to me a couple of times, "I hope you don't lose too much weight so we don't recognize you any more!"
It took some time but I was blessed with a response for the next time they said this.
"Then you will see the woman God made me to be, not this overweight, unhealthy person He never meant me to be."
What I realized is that I see a stranger in the mirror, too! My face has changed so much! Buried cheekbones are appearing. My jaw line is becoming more defined. The double chin is almost gone except for some crinkly, sagging skin on my neck that comes when we get older.
I also see someone who is happy.
There's room for happiness now.
Not having to fight the anxiety day in, day out, every hour, every minute of every day has changed my life completely. That's not to say it's completely gone. There are moments where it reappears, but oh, God, thank You for the healing this diet has brought into my life.
It's helped me realize that all the therapy, all the meds in the world would never have done what proper food has done.
I believed I was broken beyond repair. I believed I was less than because of my inability to overcome the anxiety. I believed it was a life sentence, that all my days would be forever wrapped in the tension of a body and mind on perpetual yellow alert.
How could I have known that my body was screaming of the danger held in each mouthful of "comfort food"? How could I have known my body was crying out for change? For a different approach to handling the anxiety?
How could I have known I was poisoning myself with kindness?
Now, when my body cries out, I hear its wants. I hear it calling for greens, or fish, or fruit. I hear it calling for water and maybe an extra coffee. I hear its cry for soup or carrots. I hear it say, "That's enough, thank you." My body tells me when to go to bed and it rests deeply to waken fully refreshed.
It will take time to heal from the toll a lifetime of anxiety has had. It will take time for the hair triggers to reset. It will take time for my body to trust me in giving it what it needs. There's still much room for improvement there, in the listening I need to do. There will come a time when it becomes as automatic as typing.
I have an advantage, though, the anxiety taught me to listen to what's happening in my body.
As always, God is the Redeemer, the One who takes what is broken and makes it anew.
Thank you for such a gift as this.
Amen!
