For Thou Art With Me

“And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living in you.” Romans 8:11

  I confess to feeling a long way from this promised life. This series at church, “Her Story: Jesus, Women, and the Church” has stirred up a lot of really crappy memories.  For the first time in a long time loneliness is sharing my home.

  I never should have watched the movie, “The Notebook,” either. It is the love story of all love stories.

  Or maybe this is a good thing. Have I reached the point where it’s possible I could entertain the idea of being in a relationship with a man? The thought terrifies me. Still, it’s an idea that has popped up over the years. I’ve had couple of friends suggest I pray about it or write down my thoughts on who I feel would be the ideal person for me. Quiet chats with the Lord on this subject often end up in laughter because…because…

  There is a part of me that still believes I don’t deserve that someone special. Thanks, crappy memories, for the reminders…

  (A long pause.)

  Man, I hate Valentine’s Day, February 14^th, the lovers’ day. It does this to me every year, this wrestling with the idea of relationships, even though there aren’t many good memories associated with this particular holiday. Until the first year I was single. A couple of the young men at work brought in a rose for every woman who was working. It was the first Valentine’s gift I’d received in a long time and an act of kindness and generosity I will never forget.

  Through them, God poured out His love on a woman still raw from the wounds of a broken marriage.

  (Another pause.)

  Lord, a long while ago, a lifetime ago, I asked You not to bring a relationship into my life that might interfere with my relationship with You. I prayed to remain single rather than lose all I had gained with You at my side. But…I feel this prayer has closed off the opportunity of learning about You from within the dynamics of a mortal, mixed gender relationship.

  Am I praying for one?

  I am not sure. 

  But then, I am unsure about a lot of things. 

  (It’s a pausing kind of day.)

  I think I may have reached the point of believing that a man, in partnership with You, is able to teach me good things.

  Maybe I can do the same for him.

 

 

  PS. I cannot begin to describe the peace that has swept over me after writing those last sentences. They are words of forgiveness that have blanketed all the crappy memories with grace. The terrible darkness of fear, grief and loneliness that drove me to bed early yesterday (as a way of escaping) has vanished.

  So, my Lord, I lift to You the possibility of having a man as a friend: as good a place as any to start with. In Your name I pray, AMEN!