Monday, 21 May 2018

I am Amply Supplied. Philippians 4:18

  "And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Jesus Christ." NKJV
  "And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." JCB

  It's a long weekend here in Canada, Victoria Day, where we celebrate Queen Victoria's birthday. It's really an excuse to have a holiday in May because the connection with long ago royalty has fallen by the wayside. Instead, it's fireworks time! Towns and cities across Canada used to put on amazing fireworks displays but they are very expensive. The fireworks' budget has been saved for Canada Day on July 1. The Queen's celebration has fallen to individuals who are brave enough to set fire to rockets and sparklers and bangers. Although, last night, I don't think Queen Victoria was mentioned. Times change don't they?
  A couple from church sent out an invitation for anyone who wanted to come over for a bonfire and annual fireworks display. I am not a fan of these light shows. If memory serves, I never was. The loud noises makes me jump. Combined with crowds, it makes me even jumpier, on edge. This reaction was there long before the diagnosis of an anxiety disorder.
  By Friday night, I still hadn't decided whether or not to go. But standing in the pharmacy waiting for my prescriptions to be filled at 10:30 PM following worship practice, it made me laughingly realize I could use a little fun on a holiday weekend!

  Last night was an opportunity to step outside my comfort zone. Being in a group where I barely knew anyone was part of it. It was a good sized gathering, mostly consisting of the host's family who were strangers to me.
  Subjecting myself to the fireworks was the other. The startle reflex was on high alert and after about the fifth, full body jump that automatically reacted to the ground shaking bangs, I stuck my fingers in my ears. It helped. Although I could still feel the crackling thumps that echoed and echoed and echoed.
  While rather tired today...exhausted really...a "hangover" from last night's demands on mind and body, I am glad I went. I am glad the Lord provided this opportunity to test my limits. He also gave me clear direction when it was time to leave. That meant NOW, before the building overwhelm caused a full blown panic attack. That's never fun.

  I know no one there was aware of this inner battlefield, the struggle to be part of something outside my norm. No one was aware that while watching the show, fear tears were very close to erupting each time a bang went off. I was glad it was dark. I am glad for fingers.

  Lord, I am rather sad that doing things like this costs so much physically and mentally. Perhaps there's some bitterness about having fun and innocent occasions be so incredibly hard to partake of. Show me where a loving blanket of grace and forgiveness needs to be spread.
  Mostly, and this is where this morning's struggle is, Lord help me forgive myself (once again) for these "weaknesses."
  Lord, let more opportunities like this come my way. Let me learn to be comfortable in new environments. In You, I am safe. Let me live according to that knowledge.

  It's hard to learn I am not on my own anymore. It's my biggest challenge of all. In hindsight, I could've asked for someone to hold my hand during the fireworks. There's no shame in that. A burden shared is a burden lightened.
  Forgive my pride, Lord.

  Grant me peace and a willingness to ask for help whenever I venture outside of comfortable because, in You, I am amply supplied.

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