Lord, I am so grateful You are in my life. I am grateful for the way You take care of all of my needs even though I tend to worry about things like aging, health, money, my car, the furnace, the ever present sump pump, flooding, the cat, the plumbing, redoing the bathroom, redoing the driveway, playing with the worship team.
Worry about being in crowds or social situations is a constant.
Lord, I feel so socially inept. I can't do small talk. Living on my own, I confess, has made me rather strange. Who am I kidding? I've always been a bit weird. Different.
Why do I need approval? "Fitting in" is a societal lie to keep us apart from each other.
Then there's making the decision about going back to Singing Waters. (It's where I went just before Christmas to learn about God's love for His children. Some stuff got stirred up so I feel there's unfinished business there.) Should I go? What if...Maybe? Money worries creep into that decision even though the opportunity to go at no charge is available. Having to get the car's muffler fixed just before Christmas chewed up the budget a bit. Although, I could go for free then, when the money is available, send a donation.
Potential catastrophes tend to pop up like a toothache. Things like car accidents, house fires, natural disasters, trees falling on the roof or worse: chunks of an airplane. (What's with that, Chicken Little?)
My biggest worry is being vulnerable and it's cohort: trusting others. Which brings me back to the decision about Singing Waters.
I know You say to cast all our cares upon Your shoulders. It's not that I sit and chew over things or play the "what ifs". My mind knows You will provide and so does my heart. Everything I've written about doesn't leave me paralysed or wringing my hands but they are an unpleasant presence just beneath the surface.
You also tell us to be anxious for nothing. That's hard for me because I have an anxiety disorder. I am betrayed by my own body's response system. So, are my worries because my body tells me to worry or does my worry feed those responses? Or does it go both ways? A chicken and egg dilemma.
Abba, I lift all of this to You. There's a lot of fear and anger in what was just written down. I honestly had no idea it was that bad or all encompassing, touching every part of my life.
It's hard not to beat myself up about it. The judge in me can be harsh. Forgive me, Abba. Forgive my pride, my bull headedness, my blindness. Forgive me for still thinking I need to do it all by myself.
Help me grow but most of all, set me free. These things I pray in Jesus' Name. Amen!
"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." Jn 16:33
I've come to believe that, like the rider who throws his heart over the fence so the horse will follow, if we throw our heart into any endeavor the path will be made clear. Praying for a clear path and clarity for you - taking the leap knowing you are cradled in God's hands.
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