Part of small group is winding up with a check in around the table to request prayer for whatever is on our heart. My request was for more discernment and wisdom, and to be more aware of the leadings of the Holy Spirit. I also asked for courage to speak the words that may need to be spoken.
I did smile a bit about something someone said: that new Christians are fed on milk before moving onto meat. My walk was very different. It started in battle, in spiritual warfare, against an enemy that was continuing to rail against me. Because of my brokenness, there was no way I could have received the lovey-dovey stuff of God's Word.
Maybe that's why I am enjoying the teachings of Bruxy Cavey. He gets down to the basics. In some ways I am young and inexperienced in my faith. Understanding is being given the opportunity to catch up to my heart. How often are the simplest ideas the most profound and life changing? It's wonderful to feel the Spirit within me leap up and point out what is pertinent to my walk with my Father.
The last decade with Christ has been more about survival, getting through, getting over and letting go. There's still lots of warts; things I'd like God's help to change. Self-absorption being one of them. Forgive me for that, my Lord.
Mind you, without it, there'd be no blog. (Ha! Ha!) Never in a million years did I imagine I had so much to say. That probably comes from the years of enforced silence. There's a lot of catching up to do! Thank You, Lord, for giving me this gift. Thank You, Holy Spirit for giving me the words.
The self-absorption is probably rooted in being wrapped up in survival and emotional torment for so long. In coming from a place and time when I believed I was invisible, disposable and unlovable perhaps the pendulum may have swung too far the other way. Perhaps, along with discernment, I'll ask the Lord for balance as well.
In saying that, my heart floods with gratitude. There's a confidence in my soul that is seasoned nicely with humility. I can't help but be humbled because I wouldn't be writing this without the revelations, growth and changes that have happened with the help of the Holy Spirit.
"When He saw their faith, He said to him, "Man, your sins are forgiven you." Lk 5:20
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