It feels like I am repeating myself but I suppose after a few hundred posts it's inevitable. It's challenging to come up with different ideas when, on an emotional level, I am really struggling. That seems to be all that's in my head, the borderland of tears. Depression sucks up a lot of energy. Daily tasks feel monumental although when I felt slightly better on Tuesday, the vacuuming got done. And the dishes.
Patiently, patiently, the Lord will enable me.
I thank the Lord for my stubbornness. Or rather, tenacity. There's still two weeks until I see my psychiatrist unless there's a cancellation. When he first accepted me as a patient, the wait time was nine months until our initial appointment. It was worth the wait. He's an excellent and caring doctor. I held on then, I can persevere now.
Patiently, patiently, the Lord will sustain me.
Part of this morning's shadowland is a nightmare of two nights ago. It hasn't helped. I had an incredibly vivid dream about my ex. I woke in despair wondering why, after all these years, he would stalk my sleep. The body has a memory. It remembered how I felt during my marriage, the walking-on-eggshell fearful existence of living with a volatile alcoholic. It's hard to shake the memories: real world and dreamland. But, that was then, this is now.
Patiently, patiently, the Lord will renew my mind.
Another of my warning signs that things are not great is simply how loud the world is. Do you remember the corny 70's TV show the "Bionic Woman"? She had super hearing. I can relate. The cars driving past my place make a lot of noise. It makes me jumpy, too. Which in turn, compounds the fatigue which in turn amplifies the depression. This is one hamster wheel I'd like to get off.
Patiently, patiently, the Lord will release me.
So that's it. I give it all to You, Lord. Your time, Your will for my life.
"The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph 3:17
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Boundary Study Part 2
"Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God--truly righteous and holy...
I think it is amazing that you have gotten as much done as you did. It is hard to understand just how hard it is "to do" when you "are done". I get it. I feel for you. Been there, am there. So glad you found a good doctor. It will be worth the wait. Remember to lean on the everlasting arms. If possible, try to look at these "disturbing" dreams as messages. I believe God some times allows our minds to rehearse past events, in the safety of sleep, to look at them in new eyes. Just like you had a chance to see what He delivered you from. I feel the dreams sometimes give us a chance to sort things out without physically managing them. If you are able, look to them as a good thing - challenging - but good. Keep looking up!
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