With all good intentions I went to church yesterday. Was it the wrong choice? Possibly because the chairs seemed to be incredibly close to each other. There was a tall man standing in front of me amplifying the closed in feeling. The worship team was having a rollicking good time as enthusiastic and boisterous music filled the room. Niggles of anxiety began working their way into my mind. The congregation clapped merrily to the beat of the music. I jumped with each loud beat. My chest got tighter and tighter. Everything was too loud, too busy. I could feel pinpricks of tears growing in the corners of my eyes. My hands started shaking.
I whispered to a friend standing next to me, "I'm having a panic attack." She suggested I leave the room and head somewhere quieter.
I didn't want to run. Well, I did, that's what the panic was telling me to do but I knew if I stayed it was going to get much worse. As I quietly slipped out the back door, one of the elders asked me if I was okay. With a negative shake of my head, I left.
She came out and chatted with me. It was good to focus on anything but the rising tide of adrenaline. The thought of heading back into the service was overwhelming so I decided to head on home. Church will be there another day.
There's a dose of disappointment in all this. I'd been doing well lately.
Do you know the zingy sound fingers make on electric guitar strings? That's how my nerves feel this morning. It's a busy week with a two day conference starting Wednesday that I am stressing about and looking forward to at the same time.
Lord, help me take it one day at a time, one moment, one breath. Help me not feel overwhelmed or anxious. Lord, be with me. In Jesus' name I pray.
"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust."" Ps 91:1-2
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Boundary Study Part 2
"Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God--truly righteous and holy...
I pray Jesus blows the Holy Spirit into your soul and gives you His Peace this week.
ReplyDeleteLove, H.
Since I had/have my mental challenges I no longer can tolerate crowds, loud sounds, the over enthusiasm of things. It's like my body has been tuned to minimum but my senses are tuned to maximum - and the two can't meet. I can't even stand the radio on in the car if someone is talking. The attempt to separate the two is so overwhelming. So - if it is of any comfort - I get it. I get tired of asking, tired of the overpowering feelings, tired of the tears and tired of explaining myself to those that just don't understand. I am thankful that God does. He does not judge us. He doesn't love us more if we tough it out or love us less if we can't. The hardest struggle is not resting in Him, but tuning out all the expectations of the world. He will give you peace if you keep your mind on Him. He promises - and God cannot lie. Is. 26:3
ReplyDeleteSusan, you did do well, recognizing the panic and doing what you needed to do for you. It was sensible to leave an uncomfortable situation. You chose, you were not driven--and that is an important distinction. Well, those are my two cents! From someone who sees you as a victorious and gifted woman.
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