Sunday, 16 February 2014

Results by Susan L.

  As I worked on the art yesterday, a gradual understanding began to grow in my mind. I have done copious amounts of work around the traumatic incidents in my life. I had to in order to move forward. Many of them are now a source of great comfort once I found the Lord in each of the memories.
  Here's the answer: I am angry at the inner time bomb, the emotional reflex that leaps up when I am triggered. It can take over in a matter of seconds. I feel betrayed by my own body and mind because there is nothing I can do to stop it. It just happens. It's like the inner me and the outer me are marching to the tune of a different drum yet are still part of the same band.
  Sure, I could live like a recluse to avoid triggering situations but what kind of life is that? I could live numbed, a skill long mastered. But, having shut down feelings is a terrible way to exist: an emotional desert. Nothing could pay me to return to living that way like I did for so many years. The worst part is it shuts out the Holy Spirit and the voice of God who I hear with my heart every single day; whose presence I seek every morning so I know I am not alone any more.
  The same thing happens, I lose sight of God, when I am triggered only instead of being shut down, I am bombarded with emotions: can't think, can't pray. I'm whipped into memories of events long past. Many of which a healing path of forgiveness and grace has long since been walked. Yes, God created us wired for instinctive fight/flight responses. I wish He would turn it down a notch.
  Someone once called me a control freak. Am I? Is that what's this is about? Loss of control? 
  I want is to be at peace with the challenges faced in living with PTSD.
  God forgives me for shutting down, for falling apart. Now the question is: can I forgive myself? Can I stop being angry about life circumstances that contributed to me developing and having to live with this illness?
  I really want to. The Lord knows I don't hate those whose roll in my life were a huge part of being this way: a testimony to how great the healing hand of God is. Just don't let me be bitter about the cross I have to bear.
  Yes, Lord, back to the art. Be with me, amen.
  "Be angry, and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still... Selah... Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and put your trust in the Lord." Ps. 4:5
 

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