Thursday, 13 February 2014

Letting Go by Susan L.

 Yesterday my psychiatrist chatted about relationships or rather my willingness to enter into a romantic involvement. It appears that for him it is some kind of barometer for wellness because he's brought it up before. I'm not so mad at him this time like I have been in the past when this extremely sensitive subject arises.
  I know the Lord has promised me someone who I will feel safe with. I know it will take a man of God to help close the wounds in my heart from previous male experiences. I know it will take a woman to help heal his own wounds regarding women. We will help each other that way. Where and when I will meet him is up to the Lord. I definitely don't want to shop on line for such a man or at least, I don't feel I am ready to begin that journey.
  There's still a lot of stuff close to the surface that needs to be prayed through. I was badly triggered last night by a man I believe is living with a mountain of supressed anger even if he is unaware of it. It comes out in his tone of voice. His mannerisms and aggressive way of talking, so much like my ex's, generated the instinctive survival reaction learned in my marriage. I froze like a rabbit in a car's headlights even though there was no threat to me personally. I wanted to run but there was no where to run to. Feeling tongue tied, afraid and helpless, tears followed soon after. Lots of them. Emotions overwhelmed my mind.
  I thought I was past this...I want to be past this...Will I ever?
  And I hear that still small Voice saying, "It's okay to stand up for yourself and what you believe in. You are worth it."
  Help me, Lord, learn to stand in love not fear. Help me love this man as You do in spite of his, our, brokenness. Help us grow in Your love.
  "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits: Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases, Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies, Who satisfies your mouth with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagles." Ps 103:2-5


1 comment:

  1. Maybe you should tell your psych that you are not interested in a relationship because you have decided to become a nun (just kidding).