Saturday, 18 January 2014

Now I Get It by Susan L.

  It's funny, but not in a ha-ha kind of way, how quick I am to blame my mental issues when I am not feeling well. Hmm, there are still some prejudices and stigma within my own heart and mind about depression. They are slippery devils, as most judgements are.
  I had glanced through a few of my previous postings and read how much I feared depression was gaining a stronger foothold. In reality, it wasn't. The extreme fatigue, or what I was calling lack of ambition and depression, is actually part of this physical toe issue. It surprised me how quickly those assumptions were made. Instead of mental problems, my body is using its energy to fight off the toxins in my blood: a build up of uric acid that has caused this form of arthritis. No wonder I am tired. Even my blood needs a housecleaning!
  It took pain to smack me in the head and remind that there's more to health than just mind matters. My primary concern has been my recovery/discovery journey of mental reclamation and renewal. It's hard not to go there first. It's hard not to imagine the mind isn't the root cause of all that ails me. I feel much better now knowing it isn't. Physical stuff is much easier to fix. I hope.
  I know I've shared about going through some med changes anyways but right now that's the heaviest burden on my shoulders. It needs to be laid at the foot of the Cross once more. Drug changes are a process I am not looking forward to. It took so long to find what works that I am rather reluctant to begin a change. Toss in a couple difficult, traumatic hospitalizations largely because of incompatible meds and it is a terrifying venture.
   Even though the one particular drug is extremely hard on the liver and kidneys, it's the one that keeps the worst of my anxiety at bay. I have tried to wean myself off at the suggestion of my psychiatrist a while ago but only got so far because it got ugly.
  I am writing about fear now. Yes, I am afraid. That alone creates more anxiety. Oh, my goodness, rocks and hard places! And I have a chuckle at my own expense. Your will, my Lord, not mine!
  "For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ." 2 Cor 1:5
 

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