Tuesday, 30 October 2012

In the Wee Hours by Susan L.

It's one forty-five in the morning and rather unusual that for some reason I can't get to sleep. The hampsters in my head are going a gazillion miles an hour...the fierce wind. Will my huge tree out front stay standing? The power going out...my basement will flood in no time once the sump stops. What if the sump pump blows? Did I take my meds? I think I did. ...most of this is beyond my control and in the grand scheme hardly catastrophic. When I was starting to get really sick I would wake up in the middle of the night and journal for a couple of hours with a cup of tea at hand. Earl Gray that I keep for special occaisions like needing to unwind. Served with toast and peanut butter this combo is one of my best sleep encouragers. There's a huge part of my brain doing my 'second guessing' number. Have I said the right thing? Did I screw up some how? Probably. I am human after all. Okay. Most of this wakefulness is because of fallout. Never in a million years would I change what happened this weekend but it has triggered an avalanche of my own memories. They are so vivid I can smell the air and hear the echoes. I remember exactly how I felt: lost, terribly sad and heartbroken. How confused and panicky and desperate. Oh, so desperate. And so very, very tired. There is a slight pause as I watch the scenery in my mind's eye. This is a good thing. These memories, while vivid, no longer have the power to consume me like they used to. Thank You, my Lord, for these are just the ghosts of Novembers past and have helped to make me the woman I am becoming through Your loving care. Good night, all. "But the night shines as day. The darkness and the light are both alike to You." Ps 139:12

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